For the third part of our four-part series on responding to the terror threat, Anne Payne, discusses the dos and don’ts of supporting bereaved employees.

It’s difficult to know what to say to someone who’s lost a loved one, especially if the loss was unexpected or the result of a terrible accident or terror attack. So many of us are afraid to approach a person who has been bereaved. We don’t know what to say, so we avoid talking to them or act like nothing’s happened, without realising how distressing this can be to the bereaved person.

When Sheryl Sandburg, Lean In author and COO of Facebook, curled up for a nap and woke up to find her 47 year-old husband had unexpectedly died, her loss made global headlines. But it was the response of her colleagues when she returned to work 10 days later that really shocked her: “We sit at open desks and we share openly. It’s part of who we are,” she says. “But everyone looked at me like I was a ghost. No one would talk to me.”

It turned out they wanted to, they just didn’t know what to say. So what should you say to someone suffering the pain of having lost a loved one? How to support someone experiencing bereavement

1. Acknowledge their loss
Ignoring the bereavement isolates the person feeling that huge pain and loss. It needs to be acknowledged. At the same time, this needs to be done in a discreet way, as many people return to work too soon, hoping to use work as a distraction and to avoid thinking about painful feelings. A simple but heartfelt, “I was very sorry to hear of your loss. If there’s anything I can do for you please let me know,” will go a long way towards making the person feel emotionally supported. Yes, showing compassion might make them cry a bit, but they’ll feel better for knowing someone is aware of what they’re going through.

In Sandburg’s case, she found it helpful to have a totally open discussion with her colleagues: “Many of my co-workers had a look of fear in their eyes as I approached. I knew why – they wanted to help but weren’t sure how. Should I mention it? Should I not mention it? If I mention it, what the hell do I say?”

She adds, “I realised that to restore that closeness with my colleagues, I needed to let them in. I told those I work with most closely that they could ask me their honest questions and I would answer. I also said it was okay for them to talk about how they felt. One colleague admitted she’d been driving by my house frequently, not sure if she should come in. Another said he was paralyzed when I was around, worried he might say the wrong thing. Speaking openly replaced the fear of doing and saying the wrong thing.”

2. Establish how you can help in advance
HR and the bereaved individual’s manager should meet with them before they return to express condolences and agree how best to support them in advance.

The grief process is very unique to each individual. If this is the first time they’ve experienced the death of a loved one and find that, on their first day back, all they can do is sit in front of a computer screen and feel nothing, it’s good for them to know that this is a perfectly normal response. If they’re in a customer-facing role, they might feel fine one moment, then find that something triggers them to be overcome with a wave of grief, such as the customer having the same name as the person they lost.

As they go through the process of coming to terms with their grief, think about what measures you might be able to put in place to support them if they start to feel overwhelmed. This might include access to a private room where they can go if things get too much, or buddying them up with a colleague who can quickly take over with a customer if something triggers them into needing a moment.

3. Keep checking in with them
Grief happens in waves. One day, a bereaved individual might be able to compartmentalise what has happened to them and use work as a welcome distraction to function as normal. At other times, events such as the anniversary of the person’s death or a family member’s birthday can prove overwhelming.

It’s important for managers and colleagues to remain mindful of the person’s loss and make a mental note of days that might prove difficult for them. If they were able to suppress their grief at the beginning by distracting themselves, they might only start to really experience their grief at a later date. If they don’t already have a network of support in place, they should be encouraged to speak to their GP, family and friends or the Employee Assistance Programme (EAP).